Hi there, Gentle Reader...
I'm going to make no bones about this, our journey is having it's fair share of bumps along the way. If I earned a pound for the arguments caused when friends told us they were expecting, I wouldn't have to work, it's not that we dislike our friends being happy and knowing they are going to have their family extended by one or two or maybe more, but, the feelings always come back to the reason for our struggle, me!
Yesterday and the night before were a prime example, a couple we are friends with have recently been blessed with the birth of their first baby, which brings up the feelings, that anyone in the same position as us already knows. So the emotional conversation starts again, regarding issues around me and Boney, then, eventually, the main issue is finally raised, my weight! I know I have got to lose weight for my health and also to attempt to increase my greatly depleted counts, however, I find it hard to cope emotionally, so find myself finding solace in the bottom of the bread bin, biscuit tin, yogurt pot or any other food related location. It's basically emotional eating and it's doing me NO DAMN GOOD!!!
Now, however, in 2011, I am going to knuckle down and try to crack this. If you happen to read this, please, feel free to either encourage, berate, banter or any other comments you may feel like putting. Sometimes this quest can feel so lonely, although it's a path walked together (somewhat of a philosophical finish there, I think you may agree...)
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Friday, 31 December 2010
Happy New Year (Hopefully)...
Well, here we are at the dawn of a new year, entering into the realms of 2011...
The hopes and dreams of becoming a father are slowly but surely starting to fade away inside of my mind at the moment, I'm losing a battle with my weight and Boney is also having a similar struggle, however, we are determined to make a concerted effort now that 2011 is upon us.
I think the hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that I would find it all but impossible to father a child naturally, it's soul destroying, knowing that the dream you've been nurturing for a couple of years, has been crushed in the words of a consultant. I know I'm not the only man in the world who has been told this news, even on the day that we were informed, however, it felt as though every trial of our journey so far, the ones we'd blamed on time of the month, Boney's hormones or her periods, could all be traced back to one minute detail. I wasn't enough of a man! That's exactly how I'd felt.
In recent weeks, I've been feeling very emotional and I have a strong feeling that it's all tied in with my low count. I felt gutted and destroyed and couldn't bring myself to talk to Boney, as she has her own issues. I also haven't wanted to talk to friends as a lot of them have children of their own, so I feel they can'r relate to my point of view or my current experiences. Mostly I feel frustrated!
I know most of my recent posts have sounded vaguely like rants (ok, not so vaguely) but I don't mean them to..sorry...
Anyroads, happy new year to everybody, take care and until next time, try to stay positive...
The hopes and dreams of becoming a father are slowly but surely starting to fade away inside of my mind at the moment, I'm losing a battle with my weight and Boney is also having a similar struggle, however, we are determined to make a concerted effort now that 2011 is upon us.
I think the hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that I would find it all but impossible to father a child naturally, it's soul destroying, knowing that the dream you've been nurturing for a couple of years, has been crushed in the words of a consultant. I know I'm not the only man in the world who has been told this news, even on the day that we were informed, however, it felt as though every trial of our journey so far, the ones we'd blamed on time of the month, Boney's hormones or her periods, could all be traced back to one minute detail. I wasn't enough of a man! That's exactly how I'd felt.
In recent weeks, I've been feeling very emotional and I have a strong feeling that it's all tied in with my low count. I felt gutted and destroyed and couldn't bring myself to talk to Boney, as she has her own issues. I also haven't wanted to talk to friends as a lot of them have children of their own, so I feel they can'r relate to my point of view or my current experiences. Mostly I feel frustrated!
I know most of my recent posts have sounded vaguely like rants (ok, not so vaguely) but I don't mean them to..sorry...
Anyroads, happy new year to everybody, take care and until next time, try to stay positive...
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Results Day
Well, today Boney and I had to go and see our Consultant at the hospital in regards to our fertility tests.
We got to the hospital in plenty of time, however, the Consultant was running behind schedule (which is nothing unusual, really) and we ended up waiting the best part of an hour past our appointment time. His secretary led us to his office and we sat down and had the usual pleasantries, then we got down to the business of us being there.
The results of the HSG the Boney had gone through and her ultra-sound showed that structurally she was perfectly capable of carrying and her hormonal analysis was obviously fine, as this wasn't even mentioned. Me, on the other hand, that's a totally different story. My sperm count has gone up 25%, to 1.5 million little swimmers, however, that's no where near enough for what we need, so we are now having to head down the assisted conception path on our journey. There is one positive to see from this, at least my sperm count is on the up, as my best mate said.
The method that the Consultant recommended for us, is call ICSI, a form of IVF whereby they use my sperm and Boney's eggs, introduce them in a clinical environment and once they've been fertilised, return them to Boney's womb, in the hope that they'll implant. The only thing that is currently making us wait for this, is that we need to lose weight. Boney needs to have a BMI of 29 or lower before the NHS will consider taking us on. For Boney to reach this goal, she needs to lose a further 4.5 stone, but she is aiming for 5 stone, as this will mean that she has fallen a decent distance below the target weight. I'm going to be pursuing the same sort of loss, if only to be able to run around after my own child, as and when they come along, and also the be able to keep up with my god-daughter once she's up and running around.
This part of the journey is going to be as rough as all hell, but with determination and power of will, we WILL succeed. Feel free to post any and all encouragement that you wish, I know there are days ahead when I'm going to need this support of those other than my beautiful Boney and she too will be the same I'm sure.
Thank you for reading and good luck to you on your journeys, where ever they may take you...
We got to the hospital in plenty of time, however, the Consultant was running behind schedule (which is nothing unusual, really) and we ended up waiting the best part of an hour past our appointment time. His secretary led us to his office and we sat down and had the usual pleasantries, then we got down to the business of us being there.
The results of the HSG the Boney had gone through and her ultra-sound showed that structurally she was perfectly capable of carrying and her hormonal analysis was obviously fine, as this wasn't even mentioned. Me, on the other hand, that's a totally different story. My sperm count has gone up 25%, to 1.5 million little swimmers, however, that's no where near enough for what we need, so we are now having to head down the assisted conception path on our journey. There is one positive to see from this, at least my sperm count is on the up, as my best mate said.
The method that the Consultant recommended for us, is call ICSI, a form of IVF whereby they use my sperm and Boney's eggs, introduce them in a clinical environment and once they've been fertilised, return them to Boney's womb, in the hope that they'll implant. The only thing that is currently making us wait for this, is that we need to lose weight. Boney needs to have a BMI of 29 or lower before the NHS will consider taking us on. For Boney to reach this goal, she needs to lose a further 4.5 stone, but she is aiming for 5 stone, as this will mean that she has fallen a decent distance below the target weight. I'm going to be pursuing the same sort of loss, if only to be able to run around after my own child, as and when they come along, and also the be able to keep up with my god-daughter once she's up and running around.
This part of the journey is going to be as rough as all hell, but with determination and power of will, we WILL succeed. Feel free to post any and all encouragement that you wish, I know there are days ahead when I'm going to need this support of those other than my beautiful Boney and she too will be the same I'm sure.
Thank you for reading and good luck to you on your journeys, where ever they may take you...
Saturday, 25 September 2010
What's Love Got To Do With It?
Well, quite a bit actually...
During this journey, Boney and I have had some extreme ups and downs. This is to be expected during this time of our lives, but it still makes things seem pretty hard. There's the usual arguments, though none of them attach blame to anybody for our current situation, there's also the silent treatments me expose each other to. But we're working our way through so much at the moment, obviously.
I can remember a particularly bitter argument we had, I'll spare you the details, but in the end I slammed a door with enough force to knock over a picture frame, which escalated things, hurtful things were then said, then there was more shouting and hollering at each other, whereupon Boney stormed upstairs to have some space. With in, maybe, 30 seconds, she's calling out to me to come and cuddle her, as there was a report on the news on the radio that had disturbed her. 1 or 2 seconds after that, I was holding her in my arms and comforting her.
My reason?
Even though we may argue over stupid things, simple things, trivial things, major and minor things, Boney is my wife and I love her to pieces, she's my world, my universe, my reason for being. The arguments are part of that love and because of that love we're going along our journey, hoping each month that the BFP will show up for us.
Those of you who are in the same position as we are, please, don't blame one another or try and push each other away. Talk amongst yourselves, to your family, to your friends. Even though they may not have been through what you're going through, they may well know someone who has or is, and might even be able to pass on a few wee nuggets of priceless advice. I hope we can do that for you too.
Take care out there and look after yourselves, cheers for reading...
During this journey, Boney and I have had some extreme ups and downs. This is to be expected during this time of our lives, but it still makes things seem pretty hard. There's the usual arguments, though none of them attach blame to anybody for our current situation, there's also the silent treatments me expose each other to. But we're working our way through so much at the moment, obviously.
I can remember a particularly bitter argument we had, I'll spare you the details, but in the end I slammed a door with enough force to knock over a picture frame, which escalated things, hurtful things were then said, then there was more shouting and hollering at each other, whereupon Boney stormed upstairs to have some space. With in, maybe, 30 seconds, she's calling out to me to come and cuddle her, as there was a report on the news on the radio that had disturbed her. 1 or 2 seconds after that, I was holding her in my arms and comforting her.
My reason?
Even though we may argue over stupid things, simple things, trivial things, major and minor things, Boney is my wife and I love her to pieces, she's my world, my universe, my reason for being. The arguments are part of that love and because of that love we're going along our journey, hoping each month that the BFP will show up for us.
Those of you who are in the same position as we are, please, don't blame one another or try and push each other away. Talk amongst yourselves, to your family, to your friends. Even though they may not have been through what you're going through, they may well know someone who has or is, and might even be able to pass on a few wee nuggets of priceless advice. I hope we can do that for you too.
Take care out there and look after yourselves, cheers for reading...
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Emotional...
Hi, Boney can't stop dictating for me to type...
I just want to say, how lucky and privileged I feel that Mutt and I are being taken along our journey with the NHS, however, I do feel guilty because I feel p***ed off about the fact that Mutt and I can not just make love to make a baby.
I want to be able to accept the help and advice that we are currently getting and feel good about the progress that we are making, however, I can't stop wishing that our time to become parents will come sooner rather than later. I have to be honest now, we do not know if we need IVF or other "labelled" treatments, but I am really scared, even at this point of not really knowing. I've had to think long and hard about how I, as a woman, may cope with having IVF treatment, from my point of view, Mutt's sperm will be implanted in me and I don't know how I will cope with this whole idea of our assisted conception.
I do REALLY crave a baby with Mutt and feel we could offer him or her unconditional love. I do not want people who read this to think that I am ungrateful for what we are receiving, whatever that happens to be. It's just with me, that I fear the unknown.
Thanks for reading and sharing my thoughts and feelings, lots of love Boney...
I just want to say, how lucky and privileged I feel that Mutt and I are being taken along our journey with the NHS, however, I do feel guilty because I feel p***ed off about the fact that Mutt and I can not just make love to make a baby.
I want to be able to accept the help and advice that we are currently getting and feel good about the progress that we are making, however, I can't stop wishing that our time to become parents will come sooner rather than later. I have to be honest now, we do not know if we need IVF or other "labelled" treatments, but I am really scared, even at this point of not really knowing. I've had to think long and hard about how I, as a woman, may cope with having IVF treatment, from my point of view, Mutt's sperm will be implanted in me and I don't know how I will cope with this whole idea of our assisted conception.
I do REALLY crave a baby with Mutt and feel we could offer him or her unconditional love. I do not want people who read this to think that I am ungrateful for what we are receiving, whatever that happens to be. It's just with me, that I fear the unknown.
Thanks for reading and sharing my thoughts and feelings, lots of love Boney...
What's In A Word?
We have been around to see our friends today, Steak and Chips (again, obviously not their real names), who have a seven week old daughter (Gravy-you know the drill by now...lol...). They are both very supportive of us on our journey and are always willing to chat to us about every point we pass. However, Boney has an incredibly hard time dealing with the fact that they fell relatively easily and finds it very difficult to open up and speak freely around them. Today she feels, "Will I ever have our own little bundle of joy to love and hold?"
In the car on our way home, we got to chatting with each other about how the NHS word their approach to all of this matter. You'd have thought that these people would have maybe consulted a Thesaurus or similar, looking for gentler words for how they inform patients with the intention of their upcoming tests and procedures (we hate that one word alone). As I'm sure you all aware, when you see that brown envelope on your door mat, with NHS on the corner, you dread opening as you know that the way it's going to be worded is something akin to being abducted by a UFO and having strange alien experiments performed upon your person.
We discussed this at length (well a two hour drive will do that to you) and came up with an alternative dictionary for the NHS to use:
Process = Journey
IVF, AID, etc = Assisted Conception (AC)
HSG = Just Like A Smear Test
Trans-vaginal Scan = Ultra Sound
We felt there was no need for the NHS to word letters that are obviously daunting and sent to couples going through a stressful time with their journey, who may well feel intimidated and inadequate at this particular time. If you received a letter better worded and more compassionate in it's content, I know that I would feel less stressed before attending the appointment before the time actually came. This isn't a rant against medical professionals, as they are always caring and supportive when you're with them, throughout the whole of your time with them, as they always clearly explain the tests that are being made at the time and put your mind as much at rest as they can. It's just the administrators who send the letters, who don't put any consideration into the amount of stress that certain words can produce within certain people.
If the NHS took into consideration then maybe, some people might not look at this type of journey as being so stigmatised.
On a different direction, we do sort of wish that we directly knew another couple who have been along this Journey that we are now travelling ourselves. However, we don't know where the next steps will take us and we don't know how far along we need to go. Is it going to be one of those journeys that is only one stop or are we going all the way? Tonight, at this time, we don't really know. Only time will tell.
Take care out there and thanks for reading...
In the car on our way home, we got to chatting with each other about how the NHS word their approach to all of this matter. You'd have thought that these people would have maybe consulted a Thesaurus or similar, looking for gentler words for how they inform patients with the intention of their upcoming tests and procedures (we hate that one word alone). As I'm sure you all aware, when you see that brown envelope on your door mat, with NHS on the corner, you dread opening as you know that the way it's going to be worded is something akin to being abducted by a UFO and having strange alien experiments performed upon your person.
We discussed this at length (well a two hour drive will do that to you) and came up with an alternative dictionary for the NHS to use:
Process = Journey
IVF, AID, etc = Assisted Conception (AC)
HSG = Just Like A Smear Test
Trans-vaginal Scan = Ultra Sound
We felt there was no need for the NHS to word letters that are obviously daunting and sent to couples going through a stressful time with their journey, who may well feel intimidated and inadequate at this particular time. If you received a letter better worded and more compassionate in it's content, I know that I would feel less stressed before attending the appointment before the time actually came. This isn't a rant against medical professionals, as they are always caring and supportive when you're with them, throughout the whole of your time with them, as they always clearly explain the tests that are being made at the time and put your mind as much at rest as they can. It's just the administrators who send the letters, who don't put any consideration into the amount of stress that certain words can produce within certain people.
If the NHS took into consideration then maybe, some people might not look at this type of journey as being so stigmatised.
On a different direction, we do sort of wish that we directly knew another couple who have been along this Journey that we are now travelling ourselves. However, we don't know where the next steps will take us and we don't know how far along we need to go. Is it going to be one of those journeys that is only one stop or are we going all the way? Tonight, at this time, we don't really know. Only time will tell.
Take care out there and thanks for reading...
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
The Day After The HSG
Boney here:
Yesterday at four o'clock I had really bad period-like pains in the lower area of my stomach, after some pain killers and a good nights sleep, I now feel ready to go shopping!
So for all you ladies out there, and husbands and partners alike, please do not worry about an HSG, because I am the worlds WORST worrier, and it just felt like a Smear, but much more daunting, as it was in a much bigger room, with the x-ray machine above you and the letter that you receive doesn't make any comparisons to a Smear-like procedure (which it pretty was) and this would have been helpful and reassuring.
It states in the letter that there could be pain and bleeding afterwards, similar to the symptoms of a light period, but for me, the bleeding was very, very light and stopped within about an hour and the pain was only a grumbling/nagging discomfort.
So if you and your husband/partner have to go through this, my recommendation is to have them wait on and look after you like Mutt has for me and get a take-away that evening to congratulate and thank each other for being there for one another, as there is nothing else you can do until the consultant takes us further along our journey to make a baby, which is the reason why we are here.
Lots of love Boney and Mutt...
P.S. Decided to attend the Dr's on Thursday, seeking reassurance about the pains I was suffering. Spoke to a great Doctor, who has dealt with us from the beginning of our current journey, he explained what I was feeling was just the dye floating around in my abdomen area and it needed to settle down and disperse, then the discomfort and pain would go away.
As if by magic, I woke up Friday morning in a much improved feeling and mood, not suffering any of the previous days pains.
Yesterday at four o'clock I had really bad period-like pains in the lower area of my stomach, after some pain killers and a good nights sleep, I now feel ready to go shopping!
So for all you ladies out there, and husbands and partners alike, please do not worry about an HSG, because I am the worlds WORST worrier, and it just felt like a Smear, but much more daunting, as it was in a much bigger room, with the x-ray machine above you and the letter that you receive doesn't make any comparisons to a Smear-like procedure (which it pretty was) and this would have been helpful and reassuring.
It states in the letter that there could be pain and bleeding afterwards, similar to the symptoms of a light period, but for me, the bleeding was very, very light and stopped within about an hour and the pain was only a grumbling/nagging discomfort.
So if you and your husband/partner have to go through this, my recommendation is to have them wait on and look after you like Mutt has for me and get a take-away that evening to congratulate and thank each other for being there for one another, as there is nothing else you can do until the consultant takes us further along our journey to make a baby, which is the reason why we are here.
Lots of love Boney and Mutt...
P.S. Decided to attend the Dr's on Thursday, seeking reassurance about the pains I was suffering. Spoke to a great Doctor, who has dealt with us from the beginning of our current journey, he explained what I was feeling was just the dye floating around in my abdomen area and it needed to settle down and disperse, then the discomfort and pain would go away.
As if by magic, I woke up Friday morning in a much improved feeling and mood, not suffering any of the previous days pains.
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